My flesh is cage. I don't know how to feel. I don't know how to balance between my desires and others. I only want to entertain those I appreciate. When I was really young I wanted a lot of friends. I wanted to be friends with everyone. I like to see people happy. I remember seeing a couple next to me massage each other's hands. I don't know if I have a type. I'd like to spend time with a woman who acts like Kim Wexler though. I have a hedgehog dilemma. I ponder how one makes each other vulnerable? After the chemicals in the brain jump start attraction, what do they do after? I found it to be a gamble when making myself vulnerable even slightly such as my back facing the door.Though I can make myself vulnerable with other activities. I miss the motorcycle. I miss the speed. Even though a truck could easily hit me, a misinterpretation of the curve causing a crash, and no airbag I would do it again. I have been in 4 motorcycle accidents. My family and social media taught me. I remember my classmates seeing my scrapped arm. I felt alive even if I was in a situation where it could end.

I enjoy art too. I liked painting even though I sucked at it. Art expresses emotion. The zigzag lines, cross hatching, colors, texture, space, and other techniques can show emotion. I enjoy seeing crosshatched shadows and figures being shown with scribbles too. The something is off feeling. Maybe that's why I like it because I always felt off. Maybe I am an alien with a green dog. I think my parents did their best. They are religious but I don't know how someone deals with a person with a lot of disorders and health problems. If I was born in another century I would've been accused of being with Satan's army because a lot of people think I am weird and I am left handed. I don't know how to raise a child or even take care of someone. It's not their fault, they come from a generation where traditional values are taught at a really young age. Even the more liberated people from their country such as homosexuals or irreligious people can have orthodox values such as obeying old people or bowing without question. A lot of Asian countries such as Japan or Vietnam do rituals even if they are not religious in a western perspective. The country my parents were born in is interesting. I do not know how they describe it in their country, especially with a mix of influences from a lot of cultures such as European and other Asian ones but people do say "it is what it is." Social Media made it popular but before that phrase became popular there was another that had the same intention. "All in the game."

A game is supposed to be fun It can be challenging. What I mentioned before such as motorcycles and art which includes anime is fun. If life is a game someone trapped me here. I then play mini games such as my hobbies. These mini games provide a temporary escape to suffering. Especially since writers of anime know their target audience. That's why they look like that and give them what people want such as love and empathy. I don't know how to love. Especially agape love. I miss my friends. I don't know if I can give them agape love either. I don't know why I care about my friends who don't talk to me anymore. I know people change. I'm not used to expressing my emotions. I enjoy sitting in silence with people I care for. I can't control your emotions. I'd like you to know I'm free. I think about bringing all my friends in a safe haven so no one would hurt them. I don't think they would like that though because everyone has different goals. I say I don't know a lot because I really do not. Sometimes these words or actions change meanings. I like the phrase "It's not what you do, It's how you do it."

A lot of people despise my friends and the other way around. Sometimes I am friends with people who are disliked. Again, the other way around, my friends enjoy people who I dislike. I don't like people who lack empathy. They can be rude. I was diagnosed with depression even if I got vitamin D, exercised, socialized, and yet I have anxiety attacks that caused me to get diagnosed with Bipolar, Autism, and symptoms of PTSD according to the psychologist. I don't understand the breathing exercises, I still feel anxious when I do them. It even rose when someone checked my blood pressure before and after. The therapist I was then referred to asked if I touched myself, why I was sad, sprinkle water on my eyes, said I should get knocked out, then told my mom it would be better if it was in a group. After that, I went to other medical people who did not ask if I touched my Johnson and it was okay. It felt nice expressing myself. Then, I moved and met someone who harmed me. I could not believe someone like this existed in real life. He does not respect me. He denies that I have a problem with my diet. He keeps around a dog that says it bites. His wife even said I was traumatized. I don't know why my mother wants me to respect him, even if she witnessed all of that. He is not authentic. I do not want to participate in a cruel world.I know a way to escape. I have to release myself. I have to free myself from the cage. A fight is present. The temple is destroyed. Parts of it can be preserved and it will have new meaning.

I get anxious when I hear foot steps. I get anxious when I hear doors open. I withdraw. I excersized and got sunlight yet was still depressed. We take meds because empathy and kindness are lacking. Celebs are respected for their status. Regular people are thrown under the bus. I even lived in a place where it's so easy to get vitamin D yet it's a mere chemical imbalance? Why take meds if I will always experience suffering as an outcast and being taken advantage of. In fact many people are and socialization accepts it. The base instincts of temptation of power and control give in. Most people want others to keep living because their use to them, not because they love them. Do not bring new beings in this unbearable realm.